snick considers... Lost

I haven't posted here in a bit. I've been busy with other things. But this keeps plaguing me so I'm going to get it out of my system before it drives me totally to distraction.

I've been lost for quite a long time. Not like my friend who adopted that nic *winks*. But I've lost myself. I've lost my confidence. I've lost my imagination. I've lost my desire.

I have so many things that need my attention, but by the time I have the opportunity, I find myself lost. Unable to focus. Feeling like I can't accomplish the simplest of tasks.

I've re-read some of my posts here and I understand mentally the reasons why. I see how I got here. I just don't know my way back.

I've been stabbed in the back by people who claimed to be best of friends. Friends who left for good reason. I left a job feeling thoroughly disgusted by the treatment I'd received the previous year. And yes, they claimed friendship as well. My husband has totally lost my respect, and yes, love because of how he "does" family. He has been working these past couple of months to win that back even though he doesn't understand the depth that I've gone. I've also lost a business and we almost lost our home. Some family members have made it abundantly clear that I don't measure up. Others have gone out of their way to be sure I know that not only are we family, we're friends as well.

Some friends have stayed. Some have even grown closer. Some have come back.

But the thing that has been hurting me the most is the loss of my friendship with my mother. She doesn't know this. She probably believes that things are just fine. But she made a choice which firmly let me know where she stands. I can't blame her for it. I'm not sure what I would've done in her shoes. But she chose, and it's really shaken my world. Pile on everything else that's happened and it's no wonder I'm in this predicament.

So, right now, I'm lost. I'm rudderless. The voices have grown silent. They're still there, but not like the past 5 years. They've returned to the shadows. (If you're curious about this, send me a message)

Ok, then, this is me at the moment. Feeling my way blindly along the walls until I find the corridor back to who I was. Writing didn't help exactly. I'm not going to even announce I've written. But at least now, it's out. Maybe now I can deal.